pm to am

Midnight to dawn,
pm to am
I lay awake,
I crave your touch.
12 turned to 1 turned to 2 turned to 3
I find myself constantly
checking my phone to see,
if it illuminates your name,
just once maybe.
Do you even miss me?

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Reminiscing

A humid July morning, 5:45 am,
We’ve been talking for over an hour and a half now, hushed whispers and muffled laughter, a beautiful conversation about life and friendships,
You’re in your balcony and so am I, side by side, staring into each other’s eyes.
The whole house silent, everyone’s asleep except for the two of us, we’re stubborn and truly enjoy each other’s company.
I feel a blush grow on to my cheeks as you hold your gaze, playful, loving, powerful.
My stomach Is flipping and I’m mentally screaming at my 15 year old self to calm the fuck down.
You come closer, I feel like I’d die,
My heart was overjoyed,
You’ve never been this close, oh my.
You place your hand on my cheek slowly, I stiffen, you smile. Reassuringly, I relax into your palm, closing my eyes,
Something like in the books, I think. 
You stroke my cheek and I feel you move closer,
You whisper sweet things and I sigh, my heart brimming with joy, 
I feel like I’m about to float or faint, both equally insane, you have this affect on me.
You twirl my hair around your fingers, 
“wow” you whisper,
wow indeed, the things you’re making me feel, time does heal and I’m in love all over again,
I can feel it.
You place your lips on my forehead first, plump, full, soft on my forehead,
Making me wonder how they’d feel against my own, I grin internally, 
anticipation getting to me.
Then, you move onto my left cheek,
Your lips move slowly but sweetly,
Painfully sweet,
I yearn for them against my own.
I caress your cheek,
my eyes closed all this while,
your stubble pricks my hand only slightly, 
so handsome. 
You kiss my other cheek as well and move onto my nose nudging it playfully with yours, making my face breakout into a grin so wide, you know now how happy you make me,
I open my eyes to see you’ve closed yours, I miss them, I want to see your eyes,
“I want to kiss you, so bad”
You whisper.
My heart stops,
Only to start beating at a rapid pace,
I feel tingly all over.
You haven’t even kissed me yet, 
“Kiss me already” I whisper breathless,
Your lips kiss my chin and linger teasingly at the corner of my lips,
until you slowly move on to them, 
Claiming them,
we kiss feverishly,
my stomach ties up in knots and I’m beyond ecstatic. 
This is perfect, your lips move against mine like they were sculpted for me, soft, plump and full, a delight to kiss,
You hold my face in your hands as I tug at your hair,
I bite your lip and you pull away,
We both gasp for air. 
Tenderly we look into each other’s eyes, grinning from ear to ear,
Lips tingling, we pat down our messy hair,
“wow” we say simultaneously,
wow indeed, our first kiss was wow.

Fear

I didn’t know what fear was until
I found myself on the cold pale tiled floors of my bathroom,
I didn’t know what fear was until
I sliced far too deep,
I didn’t know what fear was until
I bled faster than i ever had before,
I didn’t know what fear was until
the fatigue in my body was far more than that in my heart,
I didn’t know what fear was until
I realized I was all alone tonight,
I didn’t know what fear was until
I was unable to repair myself,
I didn’t know what fear was until
my vision blurred and I slowly grew incapable of moving,
I didn’t know what fear was until
I realized how far I had come from a few snips to a full artery,
I didn’t know what fear was until
I feared my fast approaching end,
I didn’t know what fear was until
I feared death.

ouch

This isn’t gentle at all
this isn’t what I want
this sadism blazing through your eyes
I’m frightened
I want to leave
I try
I tried
I failed
I hurt
ouch.

I screamed
you heard
you snickered
you slapped
you pulled
I shook
I crumpled
I cough
I moan
you groan
in pleasure
I sigh
I’m tired
you’re not done
you gag
unsatisfied
you tie
you tug
my skin
is done
you snip you snipe
I cry
or
at least
I try
I tried
I failed
I hurt
Ouch.

no one has to know.

8 months ago, you dared to touch me.

8 months ago, you dared to kiss me.

8 months ago, you promised me forever.

8 months ago, you discarded me.

you see,

I’m very angry with you, I wouldn’t say I hate you, because I still value the little giddy feelings you stirred within me, though short-lived.

Reality is, I gave you a part of me and if I hate you, i’d also be hating myself, you’d think all this was just my misplaced anger, but it’s really not.

There is a big part of me that really wants to hurt you the way you hurt me,leave you gasping for air, pained deep within your soul with the mascara running down your pretty face blinding you, leave you reliving those 48 hours of pure misery and self pity, wallowing inside your bedroom unable to ingest a morsel of food, screaming at the reflection of your filthy self in your teak wood mirror, breaking it with ease without a care that your mother lovingly got it for you.

I never got an answer as to why you did what you did to me, of why you toyed with me, why you led me to believe in fairy tales and knights, believe in forever believe in love.

LIES!

you infiltrated me with your lies.

BETRAYAL!

like a sharp dagger slicing through my fragile skin oozing blood until the metal hit my bones, clattering against it while I fell to my knees looking into your eyes without a slight hint of remorse or guilt, that smirk. Oh your beautiful smirk, I fell for that smirk didn’t I? I fell for you didn’t I? I fell for your games didn’t I? fell into your trap didn’t I?

I did, I did your laughter is proof, your laughter was my favorite sound, your laughter was everything your laughter took away my everything, you left me shattered like the glass of my broken teak wood mirror, inside my bedroom, unable to ingest a morsel of food.

you will never be able to compensate for the deep emotional gash you put into my soul, the seriousness of the damage you inflicted upon my poor poor 15 year old soul, my gullible silly little, naive little 15 year old soul. My slutty little 15 year old soul is it? yes, your slut wasn’t I? that’s what you referred me to be, among your friends, a little joke wasn’t I? a little fun wasn’t I? I was, I was a seductive challenge until you went back to seattle to your little hotshot town with hotshot people at a hotshot college.

“shoulda seen this coming honeybun” shoulda seen this coming, I should’ve I should’ve yet I didn’t.

Perhaps, it’s a fault of my own, a fault of ours, a little mistake is what you called it, it wasn’t a mistake, it was the sound of my heart, the pounding the incessant thundering as you ripped my veins my arteries and tied me down, bound me to my own bleeding heart, you walked away from me satisfied with my innocence in your hands, you left me to grow up in one night, all my dreams shattered. you promised me forever, you kept your promises didn’t you?

You, will forever be embedded deep within my soul, as a scar, as a mark, as a mistake, as I sleep every night in my bedroom staring at the wall, that held my little teak wood mirror, i’m able to ingest my food again. But not without wincing every little time my mother asks about you. She doesn’t have to know what you did,

no one has to know.