Everyone I have loved is dead.

Loss is merely a word.

The feeling associated runs much deep. It turns your heart inside out like a nightgown left untouched on a bed. A voice soft a hand holding a rosary. It rings in your mind on repeat like the remains of the noise of a walking stick guiding its owner in the right path. It reminds me that everyone I love is dead.

Loss can make your senses cling onto stimuli. Your nose to a scent of the fragrance she wore before she let her hair down.

Your skin to her touch while she held you close to her heart and your eyes to her laughter when she let her heart out.

Your tongue remembers the way her cooking tastes, your eyes well up when you see her face.

Loss can isolate you from your environment, it can destroy the fabrics of your heart strings and the links with the people that make it sing.

Sometimes, loss can make you guilty. You feel responsible because sometimes loss can stop misery.

Loss can relieve you, take you back to her screams and shrieks, pull you into a devastating scene, play with your mind playing haunting memories as if in rewind.

Her sadness,

Her mood swings,

Her pain killers,

Her nose bleeds.

It can take you back to her blue bruises and her cold feet. Loss makes you believe that she must be happier 6 feet deep.

It reminds me that everyone I love is dead, everyone I have ever loved is now dead.

Now it’s just me, just me and my losses.

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You & I

You are not who you used to be,

you’d play with my hair till i’d be asleep.

You are not who you used to be,

your eyes speak a thousand sentences more; than your mouth can speak.

you are not who you said you’d be,

breaking every promise like i’d foreseen.

yet i am not who i ought to be,

caught up in who and what i am used to.

Embraced by an alien that comes from the deep.

and i am not who you thought i’d be nor am i…

what am i…

or what…

i ought to achieve.

Darlin’ will we ever be what we’d perceived?

 

 

Note: To whomsoever it may concern, my form might be wonky, I write when i feel inspired to. This is a personal Blog.

Entry 01

I’ve been on a serious writers block, 2 years is a long long time but i’m trying to get myself back on a roll.

My creativity and interest in writing sort of got blown out like a candle and i was left for the welcoming of this thing called depression.

I’d be lying if i said i made much progress healing, a lot has been going on and i wish i had the energy to type everything down but i’ll need to conserve my strength to face this absolutely shitty world that we live in tomorrow morning.

I feel exhausted and so out of place, life has only gotten harder after mum’s demise and though i try to find a silver lining, the melancholic psycho within me often prevents me from going through with my positive plans.

I’m really tired with the life i’m living and the disinterest that i’ve got growing against life only seems to be widening the gap between me and my so-called happiness.

I’m trying to keep this vague although i really want to detail, i’m going to stop here and hope that soon i can come up with material for this site.

Au revoir!

 

 

 

 

 

Star Gaze

I stared blankly at my notebook, ruled lines ready to be written on, mind hunting for imagination, for a clue, for an idea as to what to do. 

I wanted to write, my mind was overflowing with emotions and thoughts that I wanted so desperately to turn into something beautiful, something innovative. 

But I couldn’t find the words, you see, I  couldn’t quite force sentences to form. I didn’t know where to start. 

My mind stayed preoccupied. 

Do I start with your finger tips, do I draw or do I write about their gentle feel? Do I start with your puckered lips, pecking their way up my hips? Do I start with your hazel eyes, dimmed down to a chocolate brown full of desire and need, making me weak in the knees? 

Or do I start with my bended knees, hunched over heaving like a victim to disease? Do I start with my pleas, my ignorant brain failing to register that you’d fallen prey to your own fate sinister? 

Or do I start with my tenacious demands to hold on to what was left, of the boy I once knew? Nonsense, he still remains intact, inside that body I grew familiar to. 

I still love him, I still love you. I still star gaze, looking for you. 

ouch

This isn’t gentle at all
this isn’t what I want
this sadism blazing through your eyes
I’m frightened
I want to leave
I try
I tried
I failed
I hurt
ouch.

I screamed
you heard
you snickered
you slapped
you pulled
I shook
I crumpled
I cough
I moan
you groan
in pleasure
I sigh
I’m tired
you’re not done
you gag
unsatisfied
you tie
you tug
my skin
is done
you snip you snipe
I cry
or
at least
I try
I tried
I failed
I hurt
Ouch.